Have you ever caught yourself scrolling aimlessly on a dating app, rejecting profiles for reasons you can’t articulate? Well, maybe it’s a ‘me’ problem, rather than a ‘you’ problem.
I’m someone who has always struggled with emotional intimacy and showing vulnerability. As a guy in my late 30s who’s done OK in my London PR career, I have a strong desire to be independent and protect the life I’ve created for myself, at times fearing being taken advantage of.
For those of you who have read Attached by Amir Levine, I’m ticking every number on the avoidant attachment style bingo card. Avoiding closeness? Tick. Difficulty trusting others? Tick. Almost too independent? Triple tick.
I was a cast member on season one of the Netflix show Love is Blind UK, which taught me a lot about how I approach romantic relationships, and I’ve since become an ambassador for Bumble. I speak on panels and podcasts and create content on my Instagram page all about different dating and relationship dynamics.
While this article isn’t meant to be a self-help guide extolling the benefits of talking therapy, here’s what I’ve learnt: the way you use dating apps can reflect how you approach relationships as a whole.
How avoidant attachers scroll on dating apps
For the newbies in the room, avoidants often crave connection but find real intimacy challenging. It’s a tug-of-war between wanting love and fearing vulnerability.
Psychotherapist Louise Whitnall, who I worked with after the show was released last summer, says “people with avoidant attachment styles often come from backgrounds where their caregivers were not emotionally attuned to their needs or were emotionally distant for various reasons,” which is pretty much bang on when it comes to my childhood.
She also explains that “when a relationship reaches the point where genuine intimacy is required, avoidantly attached people may abruptly end or leave the relationship” — which also aligns with my past behaviour.
When it came to dating and using apps, my avoidant tendencies would often lead me to prioritise physical appearance, often spending time endlessly scrolling without really engaging with anyone properly. In some cases I’d hesitate to move the conversation forward, self-sabotaging as a way of protecting myself in case they didn’t like me.
It wasn’t until I started therapy in my early 30s that I began to understand how my avoidant tendencies were sabotaging my dating life and that I needed to make a change in how I was using dating apps.
The problem with scrolling unintentionally
For years, I swiped with no clear intention. I’d reject people based on minor details like their choice of hobbies, the way they wrote their bio, or even where their pictures were taken. It wasn’t that these profiles were bad, it was that I was avoiding the discomfort of connection.
Because when you scroll without substance, you risk falling into two traps.
The first is validation seeking. Each match becomes a hit of dopamine, a momentary boost that confirms you’re desirable. But, as with any short-term dopamine hit, it’s fleeting and short-lived. And you keep coming back for more, which isn’t ideal in the dating game.
Mashable After Dark
The second trap is avoiding vulnerability. It’s easy to keep conversations surface-level, giving you the illusion of connection without requiring you to open up in a meaningful way.
But what I’ve realised is, the deeper relationships we truly desire require us to take risks and engage meaningfully.
Recognising your own swiping patterns
One of my biggest lightbulb moments was realising that my behaviour on dating apps wasn’t separate from how I acted in real life, it was a direct extension of it. The judgments I’d make seeing someone’s pictures on a screen would often directly reflect how I could be judgemental in the real world.
If you think you might be self-sabotaging on dating apps, ask yourself these questions:
-
Do you swipe without reading bios or looking at photos for more than a second?
-
Do you find reasons to dismiss people quickly (e.g. “They’re not my type,” “That hobby is weird.”)
-
Do you match with people but hesitate to message them or ghost when things start to feel real?
-
Do you feel like your matches are more of a ‘score’ and that the more you get the better you feel?
If the answers to these are yes, then it’s likely you’re in the self-sabotaging cycle. These patterns might feel like they’re protecting you, but in reality, they’re keeping you stuck.
The answer isn’t just to “try harder” on the apps, it starts with looking inward. And dare I say it, applying some self-reflection.
How to date with intention
So, how do you move from scrolling without substance to dating intentionally?
The answer isn’t just to “try harder” on the apps, it starts with looking inward. And dare I say it, applying some self-reflection.
Here’s my five-step programme to avoid, er, avoidance.
-
Invest in Yourself First:
Before you dive into dating, spend time understanding what you want in a partner — and why you might be avoiding connection. This bit is hard and might require some time out of dating. Journaling, therapy, and being more mindful about your behaviour can all help. -
Set clear intentions:
What are you looking for in a relationship? Be clear in what you’re after. Bumble’s 2025 dating trends research shows that the majority of women place value on stability, and emotional consistency. There is nothing worse than someone who comes in with all the promises in the world who can’t deliver against them. If you’re just looking for something casual, that’s OK, just say it — dating apps literally give you an option to signpost what your dating intentions are. -
Put time into your profile:
Instead of listing generic interests, use your bio to share what matters most to you. Show your personality. Think about how your best friend would describe you. And invest time into it – this is more important than the swiping bit, and you’ll get better quality, more relevant matches if you commit to this. Finally, show a bit of vulnerability and openness. That’s what makes us human, right? -
Be open-minded about criteria:
A big one. Physical attraction is important, but don’t let superficial preferences keep you from meeting someone amazing. Swipe slower, read bios carefully, and give people a chance to surprise you. Separate your negotiables from your non-negotiables – will that inch of height really make the difference when you’re walking down the aisle with your dream partner? Size doesn’t always matter. -
Engage meaningfully:
Once you match, commit to starting real conversations. Focus on a few quality matches and maybe consider pausing the swiping to dedicate time to a handful of people. Ask questions that go beyond small talk and really dive deep into who they are – if that scares them off, they’re probably not right for you anyway.
How to scroll with substance
Changing how you use dating apps won’t just improve your experience — it can reshape how you approach relationships as a whole.
I’ve tried to be more open minded about my criteria, and I’m in the early stages of a relationship with somebody incredible who has made me completely reframe what I thought I wanted from a partner.
Speaking from experience, I’ve tried to be more open minded about my criteria, and I’m in the early stages of a relationship with somebody incredible who has made me completely reframe what I thought I wanted from a partner.
One of the biggest shifts for me was embracing the concept of satisficing — choosing a partner who meets my core needs and committing to them wholeheartedly, rather than endlessly chasing an unattainable ideal of perfection.
Satisficing is about letting go of the pressure to find “the one” who checks every box and instead focusing on someone who is good enough in the ways that truly matter.
It’s not about settling, it’s a mindset shift, recognizing that relationships thrive not because someone fits a fantasy, but because both people invest in each other and grow together.
What I’ve come to realize is that love isn’t about meeting a checklist; it’s about showing up, committing, and nurturing something meaningful.
Dating apps aren’t the enemy here. In fact, they can be a great tool when used mindfully. Features like Bumble’s profile prompts encourage thoughtful engagement and move you away from more ‘shallow’, validation-chasing criteria.
The person I’m with now doesn’t check every box I thought I needed, and if I’m being totally honest, the old version of me might’ve written them off. But, by leaning into them and letting go of ‘perfect’, they’ve opened my eyes to a whole number of other qualities I didn’t even know existed. We’ve had some challenging moments where we’ve clashed on different perspectives, but we’ve both tried to listen to each other’s points of view rather than trying to find someone else with the same opinion.
So, next time you catch yourself looking for a match, pause and ask yourself, what am I really looking for? The answer might surprise you.