If we said breakups were hard, that would be an overstatement so strong it would be kind of insulting. But we will say that they’re complicated, and they’re varied – ranging from the “OK-I-guess” to the heartbreaking and messy.
Then there are friendship breakups. Less talked about, but perhaps the most complicated. So, how do you manage the delicate dynamics of a friendship breakup? Speaking to those who’ve been on the friendship breakup frontlines and experts in how to handle them, Mashable has a guide to working it all out.
How do I know the friendship is over?
Friendship breakups often don’t come with the clear markers that romantic breakups do, which can leave lingering feelings of ambiguity. That ambiguity can lead to all kinds of stress, including not feeling sure if a friendship has even properly ended.
That was the case for 26-year-old Elizabeth, a nursing student (who, like the other case studies interviewed in this piece, is only sharing her first name for privacy). “My best friend of six years just stopped making plans or responding to my ideas for days out. One day I realized we must not be close friends anymore.”
According to relationship coach Michelle Shahbazyan, it’s unfortunately common for friendships to end without you really realising. It’s not always intended to be as cruel and unfair as it feels. We simply don’t have the same cultural scripts for navigating or ending friendships as we do romantic relationships, so a lot of us would rather say nothing at all. Sometimes, we also don’t even realise that we want to end the relationship.
She explains that key signs a friendship might be ending include “repeated feelings of tension, unequal effort in maintaining the relationship, or a lack of mutual respect.” When unresolved conflicts or life changes make your friendship feel draining rather than uplifting, it might be time to step back.
How do you properly break up with a friend?
For Elizabeth, stepping back looked “something a bit like ghosting.”
“I’m not proud of the way it went and I’m sure she’s not either but it was like we made an invisible, unspoken decision to call it. Neither of us confronted the other. I didn’t ask why she stopped messaging as much or turning up to things. I didn’t tell her it was over. We just stopped talking,” she explains.
“It was heartbreaking,” Elizabeth adds. “But I also still have lots of friends I love.” Dr. Kimberly Horn, a relationship therapist specialising in friendship and the author of Friends Matter, For Life, points out that many friendships are not designed to last forever: “Most don’t. They often serve a specific time and place in life, with 30 percent of closest friends still intact after seven years.” Recognising these signs early can help you prepare for the transition and avoid unnecessary hurt.
Elizabeth isn’t the only one who’s called off a friendship without letting the person know. 34-year-old Natasha, a sales assistant, tells Mashable, “My best friend of six years kind of broke up with me without letting me know. She stopped returning calls, she never wanted to meet up. It was like my best friend was quiet-quitting me. Even when I called her out and was like ‘You’re ignoring me. Do you not want to be friends anymore?’ I got nothing,” she tells Mashable.
Ending a friendship is rarely easy, but doing it with empathy and respect can minimise the emotional fallout. Shahbazyan advises, “Choose a private, calm setting to share your feelings, avoid blaming language, and express gratitude for the positive moments you’ve shared.” This approach not only maintains mutual dignity but also sets a foundation for healing.
Mashable After Dark
You should handle a friendship breakup similarly to a romantic one. Sure, you’re less likely to be discussing sex or child custody or home arrangements (unless those happened to apply to your friendship) but you still need to be gentle. Discuss why the breakup needs to happen, why you can no longer be friends. what you’d like to do from here (do you want to remain civil or cut off all contact completely?)
What about potential awkward encounters?
Discussing where you want to go next as part of the friendship breakup is pretty important, because if you have mutual friends, that will complicate the matter.
“Mutual friends can feel caught in the middle, leading to discomfort or divided loyalties,” says Shahbazyan. If you do have them, she recommends avoiding gossip or pressuring others to take sides. Instead, focus on respecting everyone’s autonomy and maintaining other relationships independently.
Horn echoes this, adding that it’s important not to feel like your friendships have to exist in a group setting if that was the dynamic previously. If your other friends are genuinely good, you should be able to transfer the relationship to a one-on-one style. “Shared spaces like group chats or mutual friends can make it harder to create distance [with the former friend you’ve parted ways with]. If the group chat feels overwhelming, it’s okay to leave. You can always reach out to mutual friends individually,” she explains.
This is a friendship breakup after all, though, and it’s important to stay realistic. If you saw this person a lot before, you are likely going to see them again. At mutual friends’ birthday parties, down the pub, at school reunions, etc. So, prepare for that.
Whether it’s a party with mutual friends or a chance run-in on the street, preparing for these moments can help reduce anxiety. Shahbazyan suggests setting boundaries and deciding in advance how much interaction you’re comfortable with. “Staying composed and kind can help you maintain your peace,” she advises.
What do we do about social media?
As we know all too well from romantic breakups, social media adds a layer of complication to relationship ending, since social media keeps everyone we know within arm’s reach.
“I often find myself staring at all of [my former friend’s] Instagram stories,” Natasha says. “I’ll start replaying them because I recognise a place or a person’s arm and I’m like ‘oh she’s at the pub is she — that’s my pub! And then I’m just annoyed with myself.”
Online encounters can be as tricky as in-person ones. Horn notes that mutual friends’ posts or group chats can stir up unresolved emotions. “Focus on the relationships that truly matter to you,” she suggests, and don’t hesitate to leave a group chat or adjust your settings if it feels too overwhelming.
Horn adds, “Social media makes it hard to move on because it keeps the other person constantly in your view.” Seeing posts of your former friend, or worse, them with a “replacement friend,” can intensify feelings of sadness or jealousy.
When it comes to unfriending, muting, or blocking, the choice depends on your needs. Horn advises, “Muting can give you the space you need without cutting ties, while blocking is a good choice if the breakup was toxic or seeing their updates feels overwhelming. Unfriending or unfollowing might be the middle ground for a clean break.” Prioritising your mental health is key, so choose the option that creates the distance you need to heal.
How to move forward from a friendship breakup
Friendship breakups can leave you feeling lonely or uncertain, so it’s important to allow yourself time to mourn the loss. It might take a while, which is to be expected. Be patient with yourself and give yourself a break. “Reflecting on the lessons learned can foster growth and healing,” says Shahbazyan.
Horn notes that reframing our thinking is important for moving forward too. Our societal thinking around relationships ending — romantic or otherwise — is that they’re failures. We’re told to hold on to everyone in our lives and that letting someone slip is some kind of personal error. But Horn says, “Letting go [of a friendship] isn’t a failure. Some relationships served a purpose at one point, but not now.” And that’s okay. By focusing on friendships that do bring value to your life, you can carry on through life with peace of mind.
To build healthy friendships in the future, both Shahbazyan and Horn say it’s important to prioritise genuine connections and open communication. Shahbazyan says, “Invest time in building genuine connections by prioritising quality over quantity. Maintain clear and open communication, set healthy boundaries, and nurture relationships through consistent, meaningful interactions” which definitely seems like a good place to start.
Breaking up with a friend is not easy. And it never will be (sorry). But with clear communication, a thoughtful approach and care all-round, you can navigate the process with minimal damage.